Spring File Cleaning/Shredding
I’m going through TONS of needlessly kept paperwork from the past 10 or so years and it’s a real pain in the butt. I wish I didn’t have to shred all of this; a bonfire would suit me fine and I’d not only be finished in about an hour, but I’d also be the envy of all the pyros in the neighborhood. Besides, my kids could roast marshmallows.
Anyway, I’ve posted this question somewhere else — likely facebook, since I have no real contact with 3D humans — does anyone know of a simpler way to destroy TONS of paper besides shredding? I know there are companies that will do it, but I’m not looking for a paid solution since I could get my kids to sit for hours shredding manually and it won’t cost me a cent (and it’d enable me to actually get something productive (like this silly blog) accomplished).
Lambs, let this be a lesson to you — you don’t really need to keep ANYTHING any more than a year. Fortunately for us, in America, everyone allows you alternatives to hardcopy proof of anything, and in America, you ALWAYS get second, third and fourth final chances to do anything. Now I keep a rolling year of everything — when the new bill comes in, the one at the back of the folder gets shredded.
While I’m at it, who the hell invented LEGAL size paper and why does anyone use it any more? My file cabinets are full of folded over legal size paper — yeah, you guessed it, it’s folded over to match the 8 1/2 x 11 inch sheets that dominate.
Just another thing to annoy me today.
"A" paper sizes, like that means anything to anyone who's ever been intimate with another human being.
Respect My Privacy…Yeah, Right
I’m so totally sick of Privacy Policies from credit card companies, phone companies, etc that mean nothing with regards to my private information. They all give us the tag phrase, “we respect your privacy…”, but they don’t. They make it a pain in the ass to prevent your information from being used in ways you’ll never understand AND what bothers me is that the default is to ALLOW your private information to be used at their discretion, unless you jump through hoops to prevent it. Even then, it’s not really clear what you are preventing.
Why don’t they make your information completely UNshareable by default, unless I explicitly state that you want it to be shared? That would imply that your privacy IS respected, but, of course, then they can’t make money selling your information and they can’t fill your inbox/mailbox full of crap offers.
This really makes me sick. How much time (beyond blogging) is wasted going through junk mail, spam, etc, that could have been prevented had your information been kept private? We recently got a mortgage and now all the freakin’ lists I went out of my way to be removed from, I’m right back on and I get all the garbage I tried so hard to prevent. I get more crap in my mailbox than ever before. Funny enough, my stupid town even allows junk mail at PO Boxes, so I get TWO copies of everything.
Voter’s Registration is another culprit. I recently moved and had to update my address. I asked if my information could be suppressed from mailing lists and they said they had NO way of suppressing names. The woman I spoke with also added that they make a lot of money selling the list, so it actually HELPS the county. Thanks, a-holes.
I also love how your mortgage info becomes public record. Once you sign those papers, expect a FLOOD of junk mail with all your personal financial info relating to your loan. Some of the letters I’ve received are cleverly disguised and appear very much like they’re coming from the lender. I can’t imagine if I were in my 60’s and having to differentiate these junk offers from real letters from my lender.
I don’t know. I know we live in the information age, but it seems that someone, somewhere can put a stop to this. I’m all for a universal BAN on junk mail, just like we’ve been trying to do with spam. If we eliminated all the unwanted catalogs and junk mail from out mailboxes, the post office would be much more efficient, we’d eliminate many lawsuits from fraudulent claims and we’d help put a stop to Identity theft. Of course this will never happen in my lifetime, but someday it may happen.
Now let me get back to that HUGE pile of unopened mail on my desk.
I knew I shouldn't have given my REAL name! And... That's MR. Addkjl to you.
More Bad Parenting…Ugh.
I’m the self-described “World’s Greatest Dad” and although I realize that’s completely inane, I do believe it’s a good approach to at least try to be the best parent, despite the loads of mistakes I’ll surely make along the way. Parenting’s a bit tough for me since I’d never changed a diaper before my daughter was born AND I hadn’t logged more than a few minutes, at most, with infant care before becoming a Father. It’s very much “learn as you go” and I think I’m making a decent go of it, but it IS something I have to constantly work at since the rules change EVERY SINGLE DAY, but that, paradoxically, is the one of the beauties of parenthood.
On the flipside, in the past week I overheard a couple of disturbing lines from other parents while I was out and about with my kids. I consider what I overheard as some form of “benign abuse” (oxymorons, anyone?) and it does bother me that I’m making an effort to be a decent parent and others (both were Moms in this case) apparently look at parenting as some horrid job that they can’t wait to be over with. I’ve heard other comments about what a “pain” kids are, etc, but when I hear it directly, I always say something like, “…so, why don’t you just kill your kid then?” or some similar insane suggestion. These same parents are sure ready to receive compliments for their kids’ cuteness, etc, thus rounding out their complete hypocrisy. That’s two reasons to hate them.
But I digress (my second occupation). So, one woman, upon seeing her 4 year old drop her winter coat, said to her, “I don’t buy you expensive things to have you throw them on the floor.” I felt like hitting her, but that, too, would be wrong and, hey, no one offered me any cash to do it. And I thought of saying, “…and you also don’t buy expensive beauty treatments to end up ugly, but it happened”, but refrained. Sheesh, poor kid. Then today at a public kids’ play area I witnessed a Mom buying her whiny 6 year old a slice of pizza. The kid was whining endlessly about something or other and the Mom rolled her eyes, looked at the cashier and said, “Jeez, he’s worse than a girl!” Great job, MOM, way to spread your twisted views and stunt your kid’s intellectual growth. Again I wanted to say something, but it’s like that line from Sunset Blvd.: “you don’t wake a sleepwalker.” Anything I would have or could have said would have fallen on deaf ears and I would have come across as a jerk. No one was in harm’s way, so I remained silent.
Since we can’t all live in the perfect BeLikeMichael world, maybe we CAN all do a little more to make life with kids more palatable. Sure kids whine and throw fits, but hearing things like this is probably worse that hitting them (not that I hit my kids). I wish these parents could deal with their kids a little more calmly and show a little more understanding of what they’re going through. It ain’t easy being a kid, especially when you’re bombarded with TONS of rules and “no, this” and “no, that” ALL DAY LONG. At least that’s how my kids are being raised; we give them a wide berth when it comes to fun and games and creativity and encourage them to be who they are, but they definitely have guidelines of what’s over the top. When they act up, we try our best to deal with the issue at hand and sometimes they just have to “cry it out” if they don’t accept it. We always try to support and comfort them and explain things to them, whether they understand or not. It sounds easy being Donna Reed, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding.
The next time I hear something like the above, I’m going to say something. However, I’m not going to be obnoxious about it and confront the bad parent, but maybe I’ll try to make light of the situation and say something like, “yeah…it’s rough on them, but they’re going through so many changes, and they sure are a blast, huh?”. Then I’ll be told to shut up and mind my own business, but I’m OK with that.
Three words: Be Like Michael.
If Your Name is Glenda, Your Parents May Be Idiots
For all you poor schnooks named ‘Glenda’ after the Wizard of Oz character, I have news for you: your parents are idiots. The character is the ‘good witch’ of the South and her name is actually ‘GLINDA’, with an ‘I’ and not an ‘E’. Please contact me if you are one so afflicted; I’ve known only one in my life and she was shell shocked when I showed her.
25 Random Things About BeLikeMichael (that you were afraid to ask)
This was a facebook thing, but I always enjoy talking about me (thus, this blog and, well, ALL blogs), so here goes:
1. I know most of the words to Shania Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman” and Christina Aguilara’s “Beautiful”. I’m not proud.
2. I’m going to live to 117, but am a little upset it’s not a prime number.
3. I haven’t watched a contemporary TV show in over 20 years and feel I haven’t missed a thing.
4. My kid’s names are sourced from film, music and literature, but I wanted to name them “Happy Happy” and “Cinnamon Roll”. I lost the argument, but do take pride in their given names and can’t wait to explain to them why we chose their names.
5. I miss both my (now deceased) brothers much more each passing year than I did at the time of their passing.
6. I used to ask girls to dine at “Le Chateau Blanc”, but actually meaning “White Castle”, a (mostly) East Coast fast food place known as much for its loyal fans as its after effects on your digestive tract. It turned out to be a good personality measure depending on their reaction upon learning the truth.
7. I am firmly convinced there will NEVER be another band like The Beatles, in any measure of music, popularity, impact on the world, etc, despite what articles on the Pop Band du jour may claim.
8. In college, I got ants in a car that I actively drove several times each single day. To this day, it baffles me as to how it happened.
9. I’m going to sorely miss holding my kids when they grow out of it, but my back will thank me.
10. “Sunset Blvd.” is my favorite film noir of all time and “Heathers” or “Clerks” is probably my favorite comedy.
11. The last CD I bought (a few years ago) was “Famous Recording Artists” by The Shitbirds. It rules.
12. The best time of my life (to date) is the four days in the hospital when I first became a Father. Just me, my wife and our daughter and this pure joy I can’t describe fairly.
13. People that dress their pets and talk about them as if they were human really scare me. Overly religious people have the same effect on me.
14. I think David Cassidy (Partridge Family) has a great voice and I still play Partridge Family songs with regular rotation. The same goes for The Monkees.
15. My first cat’s name was “Ear-Mite Ich”, named for a feline disorder and a fish disease. He disappeared once for 29 days, returned home dehydrated and 5 lbs lighter, but lived a full life.
16. In high school, I was unknowingly recorded (audio) on a visit to a friend’s house and as a result I stayed away for years afterwards. I shrugged it off, but I felt violated. This is why I will hate T.I. for all eternity, but I’ve stopped wishing harm on him, so I guess I’m growing up.
17. I use numbers to understand/memorize nearly everything and I subconsciously (and constantly) count random objects, like sides on street signs. I’m not weird; I was a Math Major. Q.E.D.
18. I fractured a bone in my hand when our (now deceased) dogs were fighting a few years back and I tried to separate them. I now wear my “OSKR” scar proudly and actually thought of this (then future) time while in the emergency room.
19. It takes an awful lot to offend me, though I can’t recall it ever happening. On the flip side, I (usually) unwittingly offend people and have to clarify my words/actions and it completely and utterly exhausts me.
20. I scored a 5 (highest score) on the AP Math test in high school. I’m still proud of it.
21. Every time I’ve written the date since December 8, 1980 (the night John Lennon was shot), I write a “J.L.” next to the year. It started as a random tribute and just continued to the point where it’s now automatic.
22. I was once told, “What do i expect from a guy who eats Cap’n Crunch for dinner?” as the last words of someone I had briefly hung out with.
23. My favorite all time TV show is The Donna Reed Show and the original (Rod Serling) Twilight Zone is a close second. I have nearly every episode of each on tape/DVD and DO watch them.
24. I almost quit college in my junior year, but the Dean convinced me to stick it out. It was the best advice I’d been given and I wish I had thanked her properly.
25. I secretly enjoy Tom Arnold’s films and have seen almost all of them.
America, Land of the Offended
Alright, it takes a lot to offend me. I’ve been called pretty much every name in the book and I can take the abuse mostly because I don’t LOOK to be offended. Somehow, many other people do the opposite and are offended at the slightest hint at anything that can be remotely considered an insult. Ugh.
It’s gotten so bad that I really don’t know what to say to anyone. Everything needs to be qualified these days, especially since every subgroup of the population has found some sort of identity in what makes them unique, whether it be blacks, whites, gays, anti-gays, christians, etc. I don’t know, I’ve always had a “live and let live” attitude toward most people, so long as you don’t “live” in my face and do your “living” in the privacy of your home. No one cares about your ethnicity nor your lifestyle, religious beliefs, etc, etc, etc, unless you try to ram it down our throats. But that’s another discussion for a different day.
Back to the Land of the Offended. OK, let’s start with a hypothetical, but very real example. I have a friend who’s Jewish. If I refer to him/her as “a Jew”, is that considered offensive? I take it, it IS, but I couldn’t for the life of me explain WHY. Somehow, “they’re Jewish” vs. “he’s a Jew” walk some fine offensive scale and one tips the scale while the other doesn’t.
Another example is saying someone’s black. Apparently the Political Correctness Committee has decided on this whole “African American” label, which is just absurd. Of all the black people I know, none of them is from Africa, nor have they ever been there. I’m proposing we then use the term: “AMERICAN African American” to denote those people who are really just Americans, but have the same color skin as those people from Africa who then may have migrated to the United States. Yeah, silly idea, right?
You can’t even say “you’re gay” anymore, without pissing someone off. Of course, gays, like all subgroups that have identified themselves as a separate group from the rest of the population, have taken their knocks and undue abuse. Unfortunately that just comes with the territory, like the fat kid in school getting verbally/physically abused; it sucks, but the world ain’t gonna change and I don’t know what to do about it (and if you’re going to complain about my view, then YOU offer a solution).
I like to joke around, but it seems like everyone these days takes everything so freaking seriously that no one can see humour in anything and they just look to be offended. Virtually anything you say can be taken the wrong way and very few people actually consider your intended message before taking on the defensive view. Sure some jokes go way too far and certainly sometimes you say something unintentionally offensive, but jeez, can’t people approach things as adults and address the issue?
So, I’ll plod on and continue to joke around knowing that sooner or later someone will get upset and I’ll do the damage control as needed. That said, I hope all you homos have a great Xmas.
Yes, that was a joke, except the Xmas part, which I hope offended someone. Please let me know, although I’m SURE you will.
Another Reason to Hate Dell PC’s
OK…this isn’t really targeting Dell, per se, but pretty much any computer designer who’s not me. I’m only picking on Dell because they, like all non-Apple computer manufacturers, kinda suck with the rest. So I need to hook up speakers to my wife’s Dell PC. Sure, you say, why not just get a Mac? Well, I did and I’m SO over PCs, but we ended up with a Dell because it came with the gumball. Fine.
Back to my problem: I needed to hook up speakers to her PC so she can hear all the YouTube videos trashing Microsoft and Dell, right? Right. So I dig out a set of PC speakers and run the one plug toward the back of the machine and this is what I encounter:
Alright, now I know from my last (and I do mean LAST) HP computer that I’m probably supposed to hook up the speakers to the GREEN port. The microphone icon looks accurate, but I’m not sure if any kid under 20 has any idea what an old style microphone looks like. I can also assume that the blue icon, which is so dramatically different from the green icon (was someone actually paid to design these?), is probably for sound input, not to be confused with microphone input. The remaining three on the top row are about as clear as mud. Apparently they’re for some sort of cross-fading and/or ricocheting sound using Halloween colors, but how, I don’t know. Thanks, Dell, for the extensive explanations in your documentation and on your incredible website. If you can explain these icons, please cite a reference, preferably with the icons and the explanations of what these icons are supposed to indicate.
While I’m trashing Dell, I may as well throw in a BIG “thank you” to Dell for pre-installing a DELL branded battery in my laptop. That’s right, a brand new Dell laptop whose Dell battery is giving errors just one year after starting service. But wait, there’s more: not only does the battery suck, but you MUST purchase a Dell replacement battery. But wait, there’s more: this replacement battery costs $130 AND, on Dell’s website, it got a user rating of 1 1/2 stars (out of 5). I’m not even going to mention the additional problem in Vista whereupon Vista can’t locate the DVD drive after it’s accessed (it virtually disappears from the system until you reboot; sometimes while reading a DVD/CD!!). Finally, I’m definitely NOT mentioning the fact that Dell did not offer XP as an option when I purchased the laptop (they offer it now), nor how they do NOT recommend downgrading from Vista to XP (when, ironically, Vista was actually the downgrade).
OK, I guess I really do hate Dell computers. I have to thank them, though, since the combo of Vista sucking and Dell selling crap that I finally bought an iMac. I haven’t looked back since and I’m kicking myself for not switching sooner.
Note to fellow cheap asses who think PC’s are cheaper than Macs: they’re not. Once you factor in the included software and hardware that comes standard on a Mac (webcam/wireless/bluetooth/best keyboard ever/best non-trackball mouse ever/big monitor/fluid graphics/etc) and the fact the hardware/software are seamlessly integrated and the fact that you won’t be futzing with the damn computer for hours on end, it’s very much a steal. Purchase AppleCare (support that’s supportive) and you’re good to go. The world is listening.
Silly Shoppers, “Percent Off Regular Price” Means Nothing
I’ve always maintained that “regular price” means nothing when it comes to shopping. To say, “I bought this at 50% off regular price” is pointless unless you can actually verify that “regular price” is what something normally sells for elsewhere. There’s a big scam that’s been going on since the dinosaur age about artificially inflating prices and then having a “percent off” sale, which just brings the prices back down to normal. Silly, clueless shoppers think they get a deal, but they’re really just getting screwed.
Case in point: SANTA got my kids a small set of percussion instruments. Sometime around December 10th, Amazon.com had the item listed for $7.99, with the regular price being $9.99 (“You Save 20%”). I figured an $8 set which included kid sized: tambourine, maracas, cymbals, clacker and a solid triangle is a great deal, so I…uh, Santa, purchased it. Christmas comes, kids open it, love it and we’re all making beautiful music together.
So everybody’s happy, ne c’est pas?… Mais NON!!! Right after christmas, my wife gets an email from Amazon listing this exact same product at $15.99, with a claimed regular price of $19.99 (“You Save 25%”)!!!!!! I must stress that this is the identical product on Amazon — the same reviews and everything. Clearly Amazon is just f’ing with you. Who among us can actually verify “Regular Prices”? Unless you’ve got access to wholesale pricing, the answer is: very few of us. BUT, we do love a bargain.
Now you can shop at Amazon and get an additional 5% discount at twice the price!!
Let The Buyer Beware (“caveat emptor” as pretentious guys who know a little Latin and/or Mike Brady, Architect, may say).
Van Halen Debuts New Wolfgang Guitar; New Cash Stream
Alright, I’m a HUGE fan of Edward Van Halen, but jeez, what’s the guy doing? He’s now partnered with yet another guitar company and is saying the same speech he’s said with every other guitar company he’s ever collaborated with: “They finally got it right”. Meanwhile, a 20 year old Edward Van Halen was the only one then (in 1977) and since who had actually “gotten it right” when it comes to building a guitar. As a teenager, he put together a pile of crap guitar with factory reject parts and made it sound incredible.
For YEARS we’ve been waiting to hear some new Van Halen music. Supposedly Edward’s got “tons of new stuff” in the hopper, but note one note of it has seen the light of day in over 10 years. I won’t even mention that the last Van Halen album (with their 3rd lead singer) completely sucked. Realistically, Van Halen hasn’t put out any good songs in about 20 years.
So, the Mighty Van Halen is now ready to take more of your cash with this new stupid guitar. Mindless sheeplike fans will scoop them up and think they can play like Edward. No chance. What many of these guys fail to realize is that Edward’s hands are covered in pure gold and he’s a true master. He is a complete virtuoso on his instrument and he’s developed a unique style that has many nuances that the average, or even above average, guitarist can barely hear, much less reproduce. There was one point in the Sammy Hagar days when Sammy tried on Ed’s guitar and expected to sound just like Edward, but it didn’t happen. Ed explained this in an interview, yet he’s first in line to sell you a guitar just like his. Ugh.
On another note, I’m not a big fan of geriatric tours, like the recent Van Halen tour; I prefer to remember the band when David Lee Roth could actually make leaps around the stage and hit some of the high notes instead of walking around and ironically singing “Jump”, a song which kinda sucked even when it was released. Again, though, after all the dust settled, we fans were left with nothing new in terms of music, but our wallets were emptied as the band cashed in on their glory days. I, for one, have not seen the band live since the 1984 tour.
Anyway, my biggest beef about Van Halen now is that they didn’t use to be only interested in our money. They used to crank out an album a year when they were actually still good and they grew as a band. In retrospect you can see their decline — their fifth album was almost all covers (and bad ones, at that) and 1984 was pretty weak, despite it being popular. To this day, the real Van Halen fan is in love with their first album and all their other stuff pales in comparison. Edward’s guitar sound on that album defined the genre and it has not been duplicated since that recording. Nor has Edward’s playing improved since. Sure he can play his solo blindfolded, but he’s never really done anything remotely as awesome as “Eruption” since 1977 and he’s been cashing in on that solo for over 25 years. It’s strange how such an incredible guitar solo has become a bore, but after hearing it over and over and over and over for years on end, it’s time to hang it up.
My theory is that Edward Van Halen must be dying and this is why he did the reunion tour and why he’s trying to get his name on a bunch of products. If he were so interested in playing, we’d have heard new tunes by now. He always said (in the early days, anyway) that he’d be playing guitar even if he was old and had to sit in a rocking chair. Well, Ed, you did get a bit old, but your playing got older quicker, and it doesn’t even have the drugs to blame. Try a new approach.
The best thing Ed can do now is to stop playing solos and record some new music. Ed, fade out gracefully with some last remaining respect for your craft and let your music speak for you. Stop pushing all this new crap guitar gear onto a largely clueless, but willing public, cuz you’re basically just ripping them off. Post some new music (for free) on your website and get people excited about playing guitar. You’ve singlehandedly inspired millions of aspiring musicians, but unfortunately most of them just want to be you and haven’t taken the next step to developing their own style.
It’s time to bust out the Van Halen I CD, just to remember who Edward Van Halen used to be, cuz I’m pretty sure the other guy’s an imposter.
