J.D. Power, Zagat and Joe Perry

Alright, we all keep hearing about “J.D. Power and Associates” rankings for customer satisfaction and the “Zagat Guide” for restaurants, but what does it all mean?  Really, ‘tastes great’ or ‘less filling’?  I’m all for surveys and such, but unless there’s some extreme measure (either really good or extremely bad), then virtually all these survey results are essentially useless.  That is, in MOST cases, no one cares.

Let’s say, for example, you use a certain bank.  They’re alright, as banks go, but the bank across the street gets the prestigious “J.D. Power and Associates” award.  Are you going to switch banks?  Probably not.  Do you care?  Definitely not.  So, what’s the point?  The point is that companies are in the grip of ratings based on customer satisfaction because they believe the perception of quality is probably more important than real quality.  If you have a good product, customers will find you.  Think Metallica; no radio airplay, but they’d built up tons of fans before Lars put his bass drum foot in his mouth and destroyed Napster when Napster was the best thing to hit computers and then their replacement bass player left and came whining back but they said, “F you” and they got some guy from Ozzy’s band, but it didn’t really matter because they pretty much suck now anyway, but James Hetfield is and always will be cool even if his band isn’t so great any longer and why do they keep that guitarist when he plays such average riffs and what IS up with his hair?  But I digress…

Unfortunately J.D. Power doesn’t publish “worst” lists, like the worst banks, the worst FIOS providers, etc…, which makes them non-essential in my book.  Without crap there can be no gold.

The Zagat guide is another joke.  ”Zagat” is basically a married couple that eats out a lot and they got the idea to rate restaurants.  Now they’re a company, but all they offer is their own opinions, which are as valid as yours or mine.  Why anyone would put stock in this is bizarre.

I want to set up a company to rate the ratings companies.

In other news, I’m SO happy Joe Perry finally decided to speak up and endorse McCain for President.  I don’t know how we survived all these years without political commentary from a has-been guitarist in a band that’s sucked since they got off drugs.  Rock stars are so lame.  Aerosmith used to be so excellent in the 70′s, then they broke up (probably because Joe Perry was a Republican and/or because they started to suck) only to get back together and cash in on completely mediocre songs and become embarrassing parodies of rock stars gone to excess.  Ugh.  They haven’t written a decent song in 25 years.

The Moral of the story is: form your own opinion, or adopt mine and you’ll be cool.  Screw J.D. Power and Zagat and Joe Perry and Metallica.  While I’m at it, add Van Halen 2008 to the list and belikemichael, too.

More Rebate Scams…

To continue an ancient post of mine from 2006, the date’s changed, but not the scam: rebates are still a big scam.  Alright, I’m a major cheap ass and I do look for product rebates, especially the ones that you can submit online, like Staples does.  Apparently Rhode Island has gone one step further and has done away with mail-in rebates and forces retailers to sell things at the discounted (after rebate) price; I like that, but since I can’t think of one other nice thing to say about Rhode Island, I’m not moving there.

The latest scam in rebates is many faceted.  Sometimes I’ll receive a rejection letter with no particular reason for the rejection.  When I call up, they’ll tell me that my rebate “should have gone through” and then it’s resubmitted successfully.  It’s like your health insurance claims that mysteriously get rejected at random only to be accepted when you point it out to them.  I’ve seen these rejections too many times without cause and the only logical explanation is that they universally reject your rebate submission in hopes that most people will accept it.  Well, not this cheap ass.

Another “scam” I just experienced was a rebate for a mail order computer that had to be postmarked within 20 days of purchase.  If, for a moment, you consider that I ordered online day 1, I received the computer day 5 or 6 and now you have about 2 weeks to dig up the invoice that was emailed to me, go back to the website where I bought it and find the rebates, print them out, gather all the appropriate UPC codes, make copies of everything, address and stamp the envelopes and then mail everything.  All of this needs to be done with a high priority while you’re setting up your new computer and loading/debugging software, setting up email addresses, web favorites, etc… which is NOT trivial.  Bottom line, you have MUCH better things to do than fill out a freaking rebate form the day your computer arrives.  Ninety days is more reasonable.

Our new washing machine also came with a rebate.  Again, I ordered it online, but my rebate was rejected.  I was told I didn’t provide an invoice that stated “paid in full”.  What I did send, was my order confirmation email (headed “INVOICE”) that stated “paid: credit card”, but apparently that didn’t work.  The rep said he couldn’t help me, so he put on his supervisor.  Long story short, I had to fax them my packing slip from when the washer was delivered and write a brief note asking them to accept my packing slip AND emailed invoice in lieu of the “real” invoice.  Ugh.  I’m still waiting on my $75 check, but I expect it’s on its way.

Staples does it right: many of their rebates are able to be submitted via their website; you just enter your receipt number and that’s all the proof of purchase you need.  I’m sure other retailers know this, but they also know that many, many people are attracted to the discount a rebate offers, but a large percentage of the purchasers will never fill out the rebate form, especially if there’s any sort of complicated procedure.

So I just got off the phone with the “20 day rebate” website; they’re going to honor all but $10 of my $110 in rebates, despite it being late.  I pleaded my case and they gave in, more likely because I was whining, but nonetheless, I got my $100.  Little do they know that they just saved a customer and I will purchase from them again.  This time, however, I plan on filling out the rebate forms immediately and then I’ll lie in wait to see what NEW reason they reject them.

It’s hard to be me.

Verizon FIOS Sucks ass

I have never, repeat, NEVER had such horrible service from a company like Verizon FIOS. Tonight I had to place my sixth or seventh call to them in the past year. This time it was because my normally $44 monthly bill clocked in at $89. I dialed the number on the bill, was on hold for 25 minutes when someone finally picked up, who said, “I’ll have to transfer you to FIOS”… Thanks, a-hole, I thought that’s who I was calling. Another 20 minutes later, a woman picks up.

I tell her my overbilling issue. Of course she can’t access my current bill in her system, so she’s f’ing useless. So I aggravatingly proceed to read her my current bill, line by line. She says, “Oh, yes, I see what you mean, but since I can’t view your bill, I’ll have to transfer you to my Supervisor.” Now we’re getting somewhere, right? Wrong. In about 30 seconds, I hear: “The billing office is currently closed. Please call back during normal business hours.” I smashed the phone down and stifled a nasty scream so as not to frighten the neighborhood. I’m so pissed off at them since this isn’t the first time this has happened, which only makes me more angry.  And to top that off, I still have to call them back to resolve the issue!

My other experiences with FIOS have all been, well, EXACTLY THE SAME. Every time I finally get through, I always have to go through several transfers before I get to a real person who can actually help. They completely messed up my move of a few months back; that fiasco resulted in a couple hours of phone support to get service restored and most recently my cancelled credit card caused another issue that shut down my service.

More Verizon FIOS Complaints Here (See, it’s not just me; melikemichael)

FIOS internet, for those who don’t know, uses fiber optic technology for speedier uploads/downloads. The technology is great; it IS faster than a cable modem, but not at this cost. Also, a word of warning: I only signed up for FIOS Internet (NO phone, NO TV), but the installer was very determined to rip out my existing cable lines (we have cables running throughout the house). I told him, “No f’ing way; leave every cable ALONE” and then he backed off, but I do wonder how many others would be adamant. Presumably their goal is to ultimately disable your cable so you get your TV, Internet and Phone service from FIOS.

Screw FIOS, I’m going back to the cable company and I’m heading over to VistaPrint to print up a “FIOS SUCKS” shirt to make me feel better. Now I’m getting some moose tracks.

Daylight Savings Time = Michael Headache

Alright, I’ve never really understood Daylight Savings Time, when we’re on it and when we’re not.  I’ve never truly understood its purpose, nor do I get why some municipalities observe it and some don’t.  Fine… whatever.

So here I am trying to live my life and every time we have to shift clocks, it’s a major nightmare.  I have so many little clocks, phones and electronic gadgets with time-keeping devices that I find myself holding buttons down, holding combinations of buttons, etc, etc, to try to figure out which ones let me change the time.  It’s a true pain in the butt.

Now I’ve also discovered the wonder of automatic devices that perform the shift for you automatically.  Wonderful, right?  WRONG!!!  Apparently the powers that be have changed the official date for the time shift, so any devices that had a date hard-coded in their circuitry will be off by an hour between the original date and the new date for the time shift.  Here I am at 4:00am and I go to bed and the clock reads 3:00am.  We have to get up early in the morning, so now I have to manually (half asleep) quietly reset the bedroom clock, in the dark, using unfamiliar settings and hope that the clock itself doesn’t automatically outsmart me and perform the time shift again.  I think I’ll set the date back a couple of days.

We also have several of these “atomic clocks” in the house.  You know, they’re the ones that automagically set themselves by some satellite.  Well, for each of the ones we own, that “magic satellite” has been MICHAEL.  I’ve yet to get one of these freakin’ things to read the right time.  Of course, after I manually set the damn things, they eventually do pick up a satellite and then the f’ing things incorrectly shift the time by an hour.  It’s then that I play with the ‘daylight savings time’ button on the back; I shift it to whatever will make the time right again, since I never know when we’re on/off “Daylight Savings Time”.  Why they just don’t label the button “an hour FORWARD” on one side and “an hour BACK” on the other side is beyond me. 

Sometimes I really hate technology.  At least I did an hour ago, but I couldn’t tell you what time that was other than ‘bedtime’.  ”Good Night broken clocks everywhere.”

What does ‘engaged’ mean?

Alright, all you Modern Bride readers, prepare to get pissed off at me.  What the hell does ‘engaged’ mean?  I mean, really.  I know it’s supposed to mean you’re heading toward wedded bliss, but in the real world (of which Modern Bride readers are barely part), it doesn’t mean squat.

I personally know of several people that broke their engagements off for any of a number of reasons.  If an engagement is intended to let people know of your commitment, why not just say, “we’re getting married?”.  It seems to me it’s another wedding-related scam, like: the big wedding, the dress, the shower, the reception, the photographer, the videographer, the band,…ugh, I think I’m gonna puke.

I can’t stand weddings.  I don’t dance (in public), I don’t drink, I DESPISE being videotaped on someone’s permanent video record trying to act sincere and be witty and I hate wasting an afternoon in dry-cleaned clothes just killing time making small talk about the stupid local football team waiting, just waiting for the next course to arrive.  My most-hated (“Dad, ‘hate’ is a bad word” quips my daughter, correctly), well then, my most unpleasant experiences at weddings are always when a group of people conspire to get me on the dance floor, much against my will.  I have never done anything like that to anyone; if someone’s not enjoying themselves, offer to help, but don’t force them; it only makes weddings suck more.

To be honest, I did enjoy one of the recent weddings I attended.  It was a smallish gathering, no photographer, no camcorder, no forced dance floor action and really good food.  There was no pressure for small talk and the small gathering made it that much more pleasant.  It was in a beautiful older building in Princeton, which is a beautiful town to begin with.

So, lambs, you might say, “well, Michael of belikemichael fame, aren’t YOU married?” and I’d say, “Yes.”  I am married and we did it our way.  Well, mostly MY way: City Hall in New York City, best city on the map.  No gathering, no battling in-laws, no gifts, no headaches; it was the best wedding I’ve ever attended.  We even had Jack as our witness (he was in line in front of us).  Since I’ve always been against marriage anyway, my wife graciously agreed to my wedding in exchange for my vow (truth be told, I needed the health benefits).  We’d been together for like 43 years already, so the vow just meant we’d do everything exactly the same, except she changed her name.  We’re still the same years later.  Oh, we did NOT get engaged.

In conclusion, engaged means NOTHING since you can be engaged and not get married and you can get married without being engaged.  It’s just another scam to get the poor schmoe guys to have to buy another freakin’ waste of money diamond ring.  The only real benefit I can see is it gives you a little more time to reconsider a marriage that may be a mistake, if you’re in the majority.

That said: Harm, I’m SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENGAGED!!!
(No, I really am.)

McCain Loss Blamed on Palin

Alright, I’m an Obama supporter and if you’re not, you’re an athletic supporter (or at least the contents therein).  I don’t follow much media; I don’t watch TV, I don’t read any papers and I rarely listen to the radio other than NPR, but I do spend (read: waste) an inordinate amount of time online.  I’m starting to read in more than one place how they’re already blaming McCain’s possible loss to his choice of Sarah Palin.  Ugh.

Why people buy this crap is beyond me.  Sure, Sarah Palin can drag ANY candidate down with her inexperience and general cluelessness, but, hey, she’s hot and…oh, wait, I digress… OK, she’s not qualified to run for VP, but it’s kinda sickening to blame McCain’s loss solely on her.  

If McCain loses, and I truly hope he does, maybe it’s more due to his own unlikeable personality, his Bush-like programs, the fact that every time he raises his eyebrows in that “concerned for the poor people” look he gets (that, interestingly, Bush ALSO gets) I just want to smack him in the side of his Arizonian head with my old wooden skateboard or maybe it’s his waxy wife, his dumb-ass state (Arizona placed 50th) or… ugh, the list goes on and on.  Maybe, just maybe, the country’s ready for a real change from the crap we’ve been swallowing for the past 8 years.  Maybe Obama is simply a much better choice.

Of course, if/when Obama wins, history won’t remember it that way at all.  The entire Republican club will blame it all on Sarah Palin.  No one whose bright idea it was to involve her will take any responsibility nor will they stand by their choice, win or lose.  Then poor Mrs. Palin will have to accept that certain lucrative offer from Playboy and then we can all forget her and stop the 15 minute timer from beeping on her.  This silly election will be over and then we can try to steer the country straight* again.

I’ve grown so tired of watching these elections get so ugly that I just can’t wait for it to be over.  If McCain wins, life will go on; if Obama wins, living will go on.  No matter what the outcome, it will STILL be a real nice day watching Bush step down under any circumstances.

*For all you homo-phobia seekers, this was NOT a comment on gays/straight people, alright?

This photo is here for no reason other than I
happened to be cropping it at the time of this entry.

Toothpaste Tube Design

How come in 2008, we’ve put a man on the moon, we’ve got wireless, well, everything and virtually everything else is streamlined, efficient and beyond our wildest dreams, but no one, I repeat NO ONE has yet invented an efficient toothpaste tube?

Sure, the old one from 50 years ago still works, but, some designs still have a removable cap (one drop in the bathroom and the whole tube gets tossed), the tube design is completely medicine cabinet UNfriendly, taking up an entire shelf wasting both width AND heighth as it can’t stand on an end, and virutally all the current designs still require two hands to open. Besides, you still have to do that familiar “tube squeeze” to get the toothpaste in a near-empty tube up to the top where the cap is, and then roll up the flaccid (for lack of a funnier word) part of the tube so the toothpaste doesn’t re-settle there. Ugh.

The ketchup guys (and some of the shampoo guys) finally figured out that their product settles on the BOTTOM of the dispenser, so they’ve cleverly flipped the bottle and put the cap on the bottom, but none of the toothpaste manufacturers have solved this one yet.

Maybe they should have a contest so all the out-of-work-yet-genius inventors out there have a shot at this. Or maybe I should just accept that this will probably not change until they add toothpaste to soda so every American gets his teeth fully brushed with each can of Coke.

Mother’s Cookies, RIP

Mother’s Cookies, R.I.P.
May your flour rise again.

In sad news, I just heard that Mother’s Cookies is going out of business after, like, 92 years in business.  For many of us East Coast dwellers, that may mean nothing (you can’t get Mother’s Cookies out here), but I grew up on these cookies in California, from my local Safeway store.

Many of my weekly allowances were squandered on Mother’s Double Fudge sandwich cookies or occasionally on their (in)famous Circus Animal cookies: little pink and white animals with rainbow sprinkles on them; probably about 30g of sugar per cookie.  Funny, I don’t remember liking the taste of the Circus Animals that much, but I loved the smell in the bag.  Besides, when you’re a kid, sugar in any form is palatable.

To this day, every time I go to California or someone comes out to visit, I ask them for Mother’s Cookies and I’ve had many of my friends oblige (the term “many” here refers to the percentage of my friends, since the quantity is somewhat small).  As recent as this summer I was pleasantly surprised with a box of Double Fudge included in a package.  The box lasted about 20 minutes.

I guess it’s just part of everything that disappears eventually.  I don’t nearly have the sweet-tooth I nursed as a kid, but I still like to binge every now and then.  I’m not sure if it’s the cookies so much as the trip down Memory Lane, but I never cared which it is because it just felt good, if even for 20 minutes.  I will miss the smell of those Circus Animals, too, since it’s one of those aromas that just takes you back to a time and place that are no longer and probably never will be again.  Funny, all this from a cookie.

Shrinking Ice Cream Cartons

Has anyone (besides cheap-ass yours truly) noticed that ice cream cartons are getting smaller? It used to be that you’d get a half-gallon carton for a couple bucks. Then they shrunk to 1.75 quarts, presumably for the same price. Now the freakin’ things are down to 1.5 quarts.

Jeez… can someone explain to me, then, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET FAT ON 1.5 QUARTS OF ICE CREAM? Thanks, and sorry for yelling.

Speaking of Candy…

So Halloween’s coming, right?  Now that I’m not much of a candy eater, I could really care less about Halloween, EXCEPT now that I have kids, I’m actually sorta looking forward to it.  Sure, we’ve already picked out their costumes and we’ve already purchased the prunes we’re handing out this year, but the real fun’s going to be taking the kids around to our friends and neighbors.

Neither of our kids have really ever had candy yet, so we’re probably going to severely limit (read: take it all to Mom’s work) what they ingest.  I never understood these parents that complain endlessly about how their kids never eat anything healthy, while they stock their houses with nothing but ice cream and chocolate chip cookies and then let the kids splurge on pure sugar on Halloween.  Then they wonder why the kid’s as big as a house by age thirteen.

I do have a candy-related question — see there is a point to all this rambling: has anyone on earth ever actually eaten one of those orange marshmallowy circus peanut candies?  My entire life I always thought their sole purpose was to be squooshed in their unopened bags on store shelves by bored suburban kids; goodness knows I’ve squooshed more than a few hundred dozen in my misspent youth.  Come to think of it, I may buy a bag for our next shindig at the house just to see what conversations get started.  I bet they taste like crap, though.