More Bad Parenting…Ugh.

I’m the self-described “World’s Greatest Dad” and although I realize that’s completely inane, I do believe it’s a good approach to at least try to be the best parent, despite the loads of mistakes I’ll surely make along the way.  Parenting’s a bit tough for me since I’d never changed a diaper before my daughter was born AND I hadn’t logged more than a few minutes, at most, with infant care before becoming a Father.  It’s very much “learn as you go” and I think I’m making a decent go of it, but it IS something I have to constantly work at since the rules change EVERY SINGLE DAY, but that, paradoxically, is the one of the beauties of parenthood.

On the flipside, in the past week I overheard a couple of disturbing lines from other parents while I was out and about with my kids.  I consider what I overheard as some form of “benign abuse” (oxymorons, anyone?) and it does bother me that I’m making an effort to be a decent parent and others (both were Moms in this case) apparently look at parenting as some horrid job that they can’t wait to be over with.  I’ve heard other comments about what a “pain” kids are, etc, but when I hear it directly, I always say something like, “…so, why don’t you just kill your kid then?” or some similar insane suggestion.  These same parents are sure ready to receive compliments for their kids’ cuteness, etc, thus rounding out their complete hypocrisy.  That’s two reasons to hate them.

But I digress (my second occupation).  So, one woman, upon seeing her 4 year old drop her winter coat, said to her, “I don’t buy you expensive things to have you throw them on the floor.”  I felt like hitting her, but that, too, would be wrong and, hey, no one offered me any cash to do it.  And I thought of saying, “…and you also don’t buy expensive beauty treatments to end up ugly, but it happened”, but refrained.  Sheesh, poor kid.  Then today at a public kids’ play area I witnessed a Mom buying her whiny 6 year old a slice of pizza.  The kid was whining endlessly about something or other and the Mom rolled her eyes, looked at the cashier and said, “Jeez, he’s worse than a girl!”  Great job, MOM, way to spread your twisted views and stunt your kid’s intellectual growth.  Again I wanted to say something, but it’s like that line from Sunset Blvd.: “you don’t wake a sleepwalker.”  Anything I would have or could have said would have fallen on deaf ears and I would have come across as a jerk.  No one was in harm’s way, so I remained silent.

Since we can’t all live in the perfect BeLikeMichael world, maybe we CAN all do a little more to make life with kids more palatable.  Sure kids whine and throw fits, but hearing things like this is probably worse that hitting them (not that I hit my kids).  I wish these parents could deal with their kids a little more calmly and show a little more understanding of what they’re going through.  It ain’t easy being a kid, especially when you’re bombarded with TONS of rules and “no, this” and “no, that” ALL DAY LONG.  At least that’s how my kids are being raised; we give them a wide berth when it comes to fun and games and creativity and encourage them to be who they are, but they definitely have guidelines of what’s over the top.  When they act up, we try our best to deal with the issue at hand and sometimes they just have to “cry it out” if they don’t accept it.  We always try to support and comfort them and explain things to them, whether they understand or not.  It sounds easy being Donna Reed, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding.

The next time I hear something like the above, I’m going to say something.  However, I’m not going to be obnoxious about it and confront the bad parent, but maybe I’ll try to make light of the situation and say something like, “yeah…it’s rough on them, but they’re going through so many changes, and they sure are a blast, huh?”.  Then I’ll be told to shut up and mind my own business, but I’m OK with that.

Three words: Be Like Michael.

If Your Name is Glenda, Your Parents May Be Idiots

For all you poor schnooks named ‘Glenda’ after the Wizard of Oz character, I have news for you: your parents are idiots. The character is the ‘good witch’ of the South and her name is actually ‘GLINDA’, with an ‘I’ and not an ‘E’. Please contact me if you are one so afflicted; I’ve known only one in my life and she was shell shocked when I showed her.

25 Random Things About BeLikeMichael (that you were afraid to ask)

This was a facebook thing, but I always enjoy talking about me (thus, this blog and, well, ALL blogs), so here goes:

1. I know most of the words to Shania Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman” and Christina Aguilara’s “Beautiful”. I’m not proud.

2. I’m going to live to 117, but am a little upset it’s not a prime number.

3. I haven’t watched a contemporary TV show in over 20 years and feel I haven’t missed a thing.

4. My kid’s names are sourced from film, music and literature, but I wanted to name them “Happy Happy” and “Cinnamon Roll”. I lost the argument, but do take pride in their given names and can’t wait to explain to them why we chose their names.

5. I miss both my (now deceased) brothers much more each passing year than I did at the time of their passing.

6. I used to ask girls to dine at “Le Chateau Blanc”, but actually meaning “White Castle”, a (mostly) East Coast fast food place known as much for its loyal fans as its after effects on your digestive tract. It turned out to be a good personality measure depending on their reaction upon learning the truth.

7. I am firmly convinced there will NEVER be another band like The Beatles, in any measure of music, popularity, impact on the world, etc, despite what articles on the Pop Band du jour may claim.

8. In college, I got ants in a car that I actively drove several times each single day. To this day, it baffles me as to how it happened.

9. I’m going to sorely miss holding my kids when they grow out of it, but my back will thank me.

10. “Sunset Blvd.” is my favorite film noir of all time and “Heathers” or “Clerks” is probably my favorite comedy.

11. The last CD I bought (a few years ago) was “Famous Recording Artists” by The Shitbirds. It rules.

12. The best time of my life (to date) is the four days in the hospital when I first became a Father. Just me, my wife and our daughter and this pure joy I can’t describe fairly.

13. People that dress their pets and talk about them as if they were human really scare me. Overly religious people have the same effect on me.

14. I think David Cassidy (Partridge Family) has a great voice and I still play Partridge Family songs with regular rotation. The same goes for The Monkees.

15. My first cat’s name was “Ear-Mite Ich”, named for a feline disorder and a fish disease. He disappeared once for 29 days, returned home dehydrated and 5 lbs lighter, but lived a full life.

16. In high school, I was unknowingly recorded (audio) on a visit to a friend’s house and as a result I stayed away for years afterwards. I shrugged it off, but I felt violated. This is why I will hate T.I. for all eternity, but I’ve stopped wishing harm on him, so I guess I’m growing up.

17. I use numbers to understand/memorize nearly everything and I subconsciously (and constantly) count random objects, like sides on street signs. I’m not weird; I was a Math Major. Q.E.D.

18. I fractured a bone in my hand when our (now deceased) dogs were fighting a few years back and I tried to separate them. I now wear my “OSKR” scar proudly and actually thought of this (then future) time while in the emergency room.

19. It takes an awful lot to offend me, though I can’t recall it ever happening. On the flip side, I (usually) unwittingly offend people and have to clarify my words/actions and it completely and utterly exhausts me.

20. I scored a 5 (highest score) on the AP Math test in high school. I’m still proud of it.

21. Every time I’ve written the date since December 8, 1980 (the night John Lennon was shot), I write a “J.L.” next to the year. It started as a random tribute and just continued to the point where it’s now automatic.

22. I was once told, “What do i expect from a guy who eats Cap’n Crunch for dinner?” as the last words of someone I had briefly hung out with.

23. My favorite all time TV show is The Donna Reed Show and the original (Rod Serling) Twilight Zone is a close second. I have nearly every episode of each on tape/DVD and DO watch them.

24. I almost quit college in my junior year, but the Dean convinced me to stick it out. It was the best advice I’d been given and I wish I had thanked her properly.

25. I secretly enjoy Tom Arnold’s films and have seen almost all of them.