Ernie Johnson, White NBA Host…WTF?

Ernie Johnson’s the white guy that anchors TNT’s show Inside The NBA and he’s flanked by Kenny “The Jet” Smith and Charles Barkley, both of whom are former NBA players.  Every now and then, another former player will sit in as a guest host.  Now, I have nothing against anyone making a living, but why the hell is Ernie Johnson the guy?

Ernie’s a geek from way back.  He used to have oversized black rimmed glasses and, although I’m sure he’s a decent guy, he’s basically got the personality of a slice of toast.  I don’t mean to paint a poor picture of the guy, but alongside a firecracker like Charles Barkley, it’s a tough sell.  Even Kenny Smith comes up with some good angles on the game and adds to the discussion.  Ernie, also known as “EJ” (ooh, real stretch for a nickname, guys), does keep everyone reeled in, but adds little to the proceedings.  Maybe they’ve got him in there as the straight man, or maybe the show isn’t supposed to be entertaining, but then why hire Charles Barkley?

As I said, I’m sure EJ’s a decent human being outside of work and he’s probably a great guy to have as a neighbor, but for such a visible spot in a major sporting event’s broadcast, I just don’t get it.  Maybe he was the guy who happened to be in the building on the first day of shooting and they just kept him around.  Or maybe he’s good friends with Ted Turner?  At least that other show got Tom Arnold, who adds comic relief if nothing else.  I’m still wondering what EJ adds to the show.

For the record, I do love Charles Barkley.  Kenny and the other players that come in are alright, but Charles is the real cornerstone of the show.  I love a guy that calls things as he sees them and is not afraid to speak his mind, good or bad.  Barkley’s DUI or DWI or whatever the hell it’s called these days (how about “drunk driving”?) was totally lame on his part, though, no excuses.  He seems to be taking the punishment and seems to have acknowledged his major mistake, so I guess that’s all you can expect.  He’s another guy I’d like to meet someday.

Maybe Charles can introduce me to Ernie.

Van Halen Debuts New Wolfgang Guitar; New Cash Stream

Alright, I’m a HUGE fan of Edward Van Halen, but jeez, what’s the guy doing?  He’s now partnered with yet another guitar company and is saying the same speech he’s said with every other guitar company he’s ever collaborated with: “They finally got it right”.  Meanwhile, a 20 year old Edward Van Halen was the only one then (in 1977) and since who had actually “gotten it right” when it comes to building a guitar.  As a teenager, he put together a pile of crap guitar with factory reject parts and made it sound incredible.

For YEARS we’ve been waiting to hear some new Van Halen music.  Supposedly Edward’s got “tons of new stuff” in the hopper, but note one note of it has seen the light of day in over 10 years.  I won’t even mention that the last Van Halen album (with their 3rd lead singer) completely sucked.  Realistically, Van Halen hasn’t put out any good songs in about 20 years.

So, the Mighty Van Halen is now ready to take more of your cash with this new stupid guitar.  Mindless sheeplike fans will scoop them up and think they can play like Edward.  No chance.  What many of these guys fail to realize is that Edward’s hands are covered in pure gold and he’s a true master.  He is a complete virtuoso on his instrument and he’s developed a unique style that has many nuances that the average, or even above average, guitarist can barely hear, much less reproduce.  There was one point in the Sammy Hagar days when Sammy tried on Ed’s guitar and expected to sound just like Edward, but it didn’t happen.   Ed explained this in an interview, yet he’s first in line to sell you a guitar just like his.  Ugh.

On another note, I’m not a big fan of geriatric tours, like the recent Van Halen tour; I prefer to remember the band when David Lee Roth could actually make leaps around the stage and hit some of the high notes instead of walking around and ironically singing “Jump”, a song which kinda sucked even when it was released.  Again, though, after all the dust settled, we fans were left with nothing new in terms of music, but our wallets were emptied as the band cashed in on their glory days.  I, for one, have not seen the band live since the 1984 tour.

Anyway, my biggest beef about Van Halen now is that they didn’t use to be only interested in our money.  They used to crank out an album a year when they were actually still good and they grew as a band.  In retrospect you can see their decline — their fifth album was almost all covers (and bad ones, at that) and 1984 was pretty weak, despite it being popular.  To this day, the real Van Halen fan is in love with their first album and all their other stuff pales in comparison.  Edward’s guitar sound on that album defined the genre and it has not been duplicated since that recording.  Nor has Edward’s playing improved since.  Sure he can play his solo blindfolded, but he’s never really done anything remotely as awesome as “Eruption” since 1977 and he’s been cashing in on that solo for over 25 years.  It’s strange how such an incredible guitar solo has become a bore, but after hearing it over and over and over and over for years on end, it’s time to hang it up.

My theory is that Edward Van Halen must be dying and this is why he did the reunion tour and why he’s trying to get his name on a bunch of products.  If he were so interested in playing, we’d have heard new tunes by now.  He always said (in the early days, anyway) that he’d be playing guitar even if he was old and had to sit in a rocking chair.  Well, Ed, you did get a bit old, but your playing got older quicker, and it doesn’t even have the drugs to blame.  Try a new approach.

The best thing Ed can do now is to stop playing solos and record some new music.  Ed, fade out gracefully with some last remaining respect for your craft and let your music speak for you.  Stop pushing all this new crap guitar gear onto a largely clueless, but willing public, cuz you’re basically just ripping them off.  Post some new music (for free) on your website and get people excited about playing guitar.  You’ve singlehandedly inspired millions of aspiring musicians, but unfortunately most of them just want to be you and haven’t taken the next step to developing their own style.

It’s time to bust out the Van Halen I CD, just to remember who Edward Van Halen used to be, cuz I’m pretty sure the other guy’s an imposter.

Bettie Page, Rest In Peace

Bettie Page died yesterday. For those of you who don’t know, Bettie was a pinup from the 50′s who was incredibly photogenic and appeared completely natural (and au naturel) in front of a camera. In sharp contrast to her photos, she was supposedly somewhat shy and reserved in real life.  She had a very wholesome look,though her photographs hinted (not so subtly) at a private wild side (some of the pix were bondage/S&M themed).  After only a few short years as a model, Bettie retired and hasn’t been photographed much since.  She’d only made a few public appearances since the 195o’s and when interviewed, asked NOT to be photographed.  Apparently people respected her wish since very few, if any, recent photos of her have surfaced.

I believe that it was because of Bettie’s ‘girl-next-door’ innocent looks coupled with a seemingly hidden private life that she’s remained famous all these years when virtually all of her contemporaries have faded into obscurity.  I also think disappearing from the public eye so suddenly helped a great deal in cementing her place as a bona fide celebrity.  It almost equates with an early death at the peak of one’s fame (think: James Dean, Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, Jimi Hendrix, etc), which surely piques the interest of the public for years and years.

In a few online forums, there are quite a few posts saying, “she’ll be missed” and the like.  Um…she hasn’t really been heard from in 50 years, so how can she be missed when she’s hasn’t really been around?  I guess it’s like all celebrities; their fans place them on pedestals and, regardless of the star’s presence, something IS lost when they die.

If you saw the movie “The Rocketeer”, the girl in the movie was essentially modeled (no pun intended) after Bettie Page in tribute.  I think I’ll go borrow it from my library and raise a glass in toast to Bettie Page.  It’s actually a pretty good movie.

Good Night, Bettie.  Rest well.