Van Halen Debuts New Wolfgang Guitar; New Cash Stream

Alright, I’m a HUGE fan of Edward Van Halen, but jeez, what’s the guy doing?  He’s now partnered with yet another guitar company and is saying the same speech he’s said with every other guitar company he’s ever collaborated with: “They finally got it right”.  Meanwhile, a 20 year old Edward Van Halen was the only one then (in 1977) and since who had actually “gotten it right” when it comes to building a guitar.  As a teenager, he put together a pile of crap guitar with factory reject parts and made it sound incredible.

For YEARS we’ve been waiting to hear some new Van Halen music.  Supposedly Edward’s got “tons of new stuff” in the hopper, but note one note of it has seen the light of day in over 10 years.  I won’t even mention that the last Van Halen album (with their 3rd lead singer) completely sucked.  Realistically, Van Halen hasn’t put out any good songs in about 20 years.

So, the Mighty Van Halen is now ready to take more of your cash with this new stupid guitar.  Mindless sheeplike fans will scoop them up and think they can play like Edward.  No chance.  What many of these guys fail to realize is that Edward’s hands are covered in pure gold and he’s a true master.  He is a complete virtuoso on his instrument and he’s developed a unique style that has many nuances that the average, or even above average, guitarist can barely hear, much less reproduce.  There was one point in the Sammy Hagar days when Sammy tried on Ed’s guitar and expected to sound just like Edward, but it didn’t happen.   Ed explained this in an interview, yet he’s first in line to sell you a guitar just like his.  Ugh.

On another note, I’m not a big fan of geriatric tours, like the recent Van Halen tour; I prefer to remember the band when David Lee Roth could actually make leaps around the stage and hit some of the high notes instead of walking around and ironically singing “Jump”, a song which kinda sucked even when it was released.  Again, though, after all the dust settled, we fans were left with nothing new in terms of music, but our wallets were emptied as the band cashed in on their glory days.  I, for one, have not seen the band live since the 1984 tour.

Anyway, my biggest beef about Van Halen now is that they didn’t use to be only interested in our money.  They used to crank out an album a year when they were actually still good and they grew as a band.  In retrospect you can see their decline — their fifth album was almost all covers (and bad ones, at that) and 1984 was pretty weak, despite it being popular.  To this day, the real Van Halen fan is in love with their first album and all their other stuff pales in comparison.  Edward’s guitar sound on that album defined the genre and it has not been duplicated since that recording.  Nor has Edward’s playing improved since.  Sure he can play his solo blindfolded, but he’s never really done anything remotely as awesome as “Eruption” since 1977 and he’s been cashing in on that solo for over 25 years.  It’s strange how such an incredible guitar solo has become a bore, but after hearing it over and over and over and over for years on end, it’s time to hang it up.

My theory is that Edward Van Halen must be dying and this is why he did the reunion tour and why he’s trying to get his name on a bunch of products.  If he were so interested in playing, we’d have heard new tunes by now.  He always said (in the early days, anyway) that he’d be playing guitar even if he was old and had to sit in a rocking chair.  Well, Ed, you did get a bit old, but your playing got older quicker, and it doesn’t even have the drugs to blame.  Try a new approach.

The best thing Ed can do now is to stop playing solos and record some new music.  Ed, fade out gracefully with some last remaining respect for your craft and let your music speak for you.  Stop pushing all this new crap guitar gear onto a largely clueless, but willing public, cuz you’re basically just ripping them off.  Post some new music (for free) on your website and get people excited about playing guitar.  You’ve singlehandedly inspired millions of aspiring musicians, but unfortunately most of them just want to be you and haven’t taken the next step to developing their own style.

It’s time to bust out the Van Halen I CD, just to remember who Edward Van Halen used to be, cuz I’m pretty sure the other guy’s an imposter.

Best Christmas Songs, EVER

I hate (read: HATE) christmas songs by sucky singers that cash in by destroying the well-known melody of better known christmas songs so much that it makes me wanna smack that Creed singer multiple times, not that one needs a reason to smack that testicle.  So, in retaliation for the years of audible abuse on my poor ears, it is my sincere hope that my faithful readers (read: readER) will finally put that Sting CD in the shredder and hit iTunes for a download of some truly great christmas music.  

And… the songs I truly canNOT stand are: that stupid Adam Sandler song, ‘Grandma got run over by a reindeer’ and pretty much anything by Sting or Mariah Carey and virtually ALL of the christmas standards.  You may as well throw in that lame Paul McCartney song, too, since he used to be capable of so much more and his christmas song is pretty freakin’ lame.

Now that the whining’s out of the way, here’s my list of some songs (in no particular order) that make my Decembers more christmassy:

• John Lennon/Joko Ono – Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
  Overplayed, yes, but most of Lennon’s solo stuff sucks, so this is a welcome standout
• The Shitbirds – Christmas Is A-Comin’
  Nice little ditty from a great girl-punk-garage-fun band that I wish recorded much more than they did
• The Who – Christmas (From ‘Tommy’ film soundtrack, no other version rates)
  The 1976(?) film soundtrack has some of the best versions of Who songs; their album versions are far too sterile and Pete Townshend is a pedophile.
• Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping
  I vow to one day memorize all the lyrics and not just: “you mean you forgot cranberries, too?”
• Pogues – Fairtytale of New York
  My current favorite Xmas song; it’s sad Kirsty MacColl’s not here to enjoy it with us
• Billy Squier – Christmas Is The Time To Say ‘I Love You’
  The first GREAT christmas rock song
• Jill Sobule – Xmas Song
  Someone’s gotta be a pessimist, and it helps if one has a sense of humour.  Not a great song, but I like it.
  
• Pretenders – 2000 Miles
  OK, the “…is very far” lyric is just plain stupid, but Chrissie’s voice is good 
• Kate Bush – December Will Be Magic Again
  One of her best recordings from her early days, when there were MANY great songs
• Nat King Cole – The Christmas Song
  I wish they would just rename this ‘Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire’; a rare traditional classic I’m not sick of
• Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
  Midge Ure (of the incredible band Ultravox) never seemed to get the credit he deserved for writing and putting together this ultimate song

December will be magic again.  (Thanks, Kate)