Ventriloquists are Stupid.

OK, that’s not fair to say, but it IS spoken in Butt-head’s voice, so it’s not intended as a personal insult to the ventriloquist him/herself, but to their art form.  To rephrase: Ventriloquism is stupid.  I remember seeing a ventriloquist on TV when I was a kid.  Sure it was amazing, then, but I was a kid and it was a 2 or 3 minute bit on some variety show.  That’s about the extent of ventriloquism’s appeal: 2 to 3 minutes.  Any more than that brings out the primal beast in me and I just wanna slap the dummy, or, more appropriately, BOTH dummies.

Sure “Magic” was a good movie and I like “Talking Tina”, but only because they both scared the crap outta me (and “Magic” had Ann-Margret, who was pretty hot in her day) and I didn’t dare cross a pissed off dummy.  I can’t even watch the Chucky movies, despite the allure of Jennifer Tilly.  Oh, and all the cutesy ventriloquists with the little girl voices also scare the crap outta me, but only because the person behind the voice is some confused man-child with no friends who’ll probably snap one day and shoot up some fast food chain just like all those wacky adults who are obsessed with Disney collectibles, but I digress (it’s what I do).

The real problem with ventriloquism is that there’s no realistic way to tie it to nudity and that’s sad for the poor shmoe ventriloquist who just wants chicks.  Let’s face it, naked chicks make the world go around and if anyone ever tried to relate ventriloquism and naked chicks, it would only take a matter of seconds before some genius (probably Ron Jeremy) figures out that the dummy ain’t needed.

I am tempted to go to one of these ventriloquist conventions and pretend I’m totally into the acts and maybe even make a documentary about these people, but I can’t muster enough energy to tolerate the BAD entertainment, despite it being possibly the greatest documentary film-making event of the century.  OK, maybe I’m exaggerating, but if I’m going to spend all this time putting together a film, it BETTER have some thingies in it, and I don’t mean dummies.