What does ‘engaged’ mean?

Alright, all you Modern Bride readers, prepare to get pissed off at me.  What the hell does ‘engaged’ mean?  I mean, really.  I know it’s supposed to mean you’re heading toward wedded bliss, but in the real world (of which Modern Bride readers are barely part), it doesn’t mean squat.

I personally know of several people that broke their engagements off for any of a number of reasons.  If an engagement is intended to let people know of your commitment, why not just say, “we’re getting married?”.  It seems to me it’s another wedding-related scam, like: the big wedding, the dress, the shower, the reception, the photographer, the videographer, the band,…ugh, I think I’m gonna puke.

I can’t stand weddings.  I don’t dance (in public), I don’t drink, I DESPISE being videotaped on someone’s permanent video record trying to act sincere and be witty and I hate wasting an afternoon in dry-cleaned clothes just killing time making small talk about the stupid local football team waiting, just waiting for the next course to arrive.  My most-hated (“Dad, ‘hate’ is a bad word” quips my daughter, correctly), well then, my most unpleasant experiences at weddings are always when a group of people conspire to get me on the dance floor, much against my will.  I have never done anything like that to anyone; if someone’s not enjoying themselves, offer to help, but don’t force them; it only makes weddings suck more.

To be honest, I did enjoy one of the recent weddings I attended.  It was a smallish gathering, no photographer, no camcorder, no forced dance floor action and really good food.  There was no pressure for small talk and the small gathering made it that much more pleasant.  It was in a beautiful older building in Princeton, which is a beautiful town to begin with.

So, lambs, you might say, “well, Michael of belikemichael fame, aren’t YOU married?” and I’d say, “Yes.”  I am married and we did it our way.  Well, mostly MY way: City Hall in New York City, best city on the map.  No gathering, no battling in-laws, no gifts, no headaches; it was the best wedding I’ve ever attended.  We even had Jack as our witness (he was in line in front of us).  Since I’ve always been against marriage anyway, my wife graciously agreed to my wedding in exchange for my vow (truth be told, I needed the health benefits).  We’d been together for like 43 years already, so the vow just meant we’d do everything exactly the same, except she changed her name.  We’re still the same years later.  Oh, we did NOT get engaged.

In conclusion, engaged means NOTHING since you can be engaged and not get married and you can get married without being engaged.  It’s just another scam to get the poor schmoe guys to have to buy another freakin’ waste of money diamond ring.  The only real benefit I can see is it gives you a little more time to reconsider a marriage that may be a mistake, if you’re in the majority.

That said: Harm, I’m SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENGAGED!!!
(No, I really am.)